People ask what happened to you, i tell them you moved on and i couldnt be happier.
They ask me if I'm ok, i say yes, and answer we just grew apart.
i act like nothing is wrong
though i want to open my eyes
and actually want to be able to cry
but this is getting hard
i am now pretending that i can live without you
when in reality i am losing myself without you
your memories are breaking my heart
i bite my tounge because i cant fall apart
i just keep everything hidden
until im alone
then i finally let it all out
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
sigh
I recieved some news today, my mother called me sounding a bit upset, and my stomach dropped. My grandfather from my father side had died. Though i only met him once, he was the only grandfather i knew.i was six years old when i met him, the family had went to Puerto Rico for vacation. We spent i think about 2 days at his house...it was beautiful, it was on a house above the ground. There was a creek in the back yard, and the heat from the air would cover the enitre area.i remember playing cards with him, and when it was time to sleep, i didnt want to go.There was also a black out, and we walked outside in the night and he was telling us stories.Those are the only memories i have of him...and i hate myself for it.My father you can say "tried" keeping in contact with him, but my grandfather kept changing his number. I knew he was sick...i didnt know how sick...I cant blame my father fully, me and father barely speak. i dont blame my grandfather, he was sick. i blame myself for not trying to get in contact with him myself.i didnt get a chance to be a grandaugther, he didnt even get a chance to be a grandfather...our world never got connected...i barely knew him...and my emotions are out of whack.I feel like he died alone...like he felt that i never loved him....13 years ago i had my first and only moments with my grandfather.13 years ago i said i love you13 years ago i gave him a kiss on the cheek13 years ago i hugged him13 years ago i had a grandfather in reachnow hes only a memory...i wish i could go to puertorico...just to actually say goodbye...to acually tell him that he was loved...and that i was sorry for not being there...i am mix with emotions because i lost someone who i barey knew.now i am stuck with an empty feeling in my heart.RIP Abuelito <3
Monday, August 17, 2009
Leah part 6
now your going to sit here, and start swallowing these, when i come back you better be done. i thought i was dreaing, i literally thought it was just a bad dream, and that i would just wake up and be in my bed. i tried to go to the door again. THUMP he had slapped me and i fell to the ground. i touched my face and felt blood, Come on Lelo why are you making me upset, stop it, be a good girl and do what you are told, i mean I'm sure you dont want to see your poor mommy end up with a gun shot wound in her head? do you? my heart sank, was he serious? he could do it if he wanted to, right? did i want to take the chance?
i sat on the toilet and took one of the pellets...i swallowed it.
he came back in and half of the pellets were in my stomach, i just kept praying that they wouldnt burst, because if they did...i'd be dead for sure. i stood quiet, i couldnt look at him. Leah, heres the deal, i love you, but i'm not in love with you, and i understood why you needed that fix, but that fix cost money, and thats something i know you dont have. hmm the way i see it, you owe me, and this is how your going to repay going me baby, dont fuck up, cause if you do, well, you already know what i'm capable of. yes i do, he killed a guy before, but i honesstly thought he wasnt going to kill my own mother. what do i have to do? he walked to me, and kissed me, i wanted to throw up, but was to afraid that something inside me would kill me, so i just let him. your going away for a bit Lelo, you gotta go to cali. meet up with some peoples, and you might want to take a laxative when you land. you know? so your stomach can empty out. he started walking out and i just sat there. oh by the way sweetie, you leave tomorrow. and he was gone. i had 10 hours...8 of which i slept and 2 to explain to my mother i would be gone...which one do i do first?
i sat on the toilet and took one of the pellets...i swallowed it.
he came back in and half of the pellets were in my stomach, i just kept praying that they wouldnt burst, because if they did...i'd be dead for sure. i stood quiet, i couldnt look at him. Leah, heres the deal, i love you, but i'm not in love with you, and i understood why you needed that fix, but that fix cost money, and thats something i know you dont have. hmm the way i see it, you owe me, and this is how your going to repay going me baby, dont fuck up, cause if you do, well, you already know what i'm capable of. yes i do, he killed a guy before, but i honesstly thought he wasnt going to kill my own mother. what do i have to do? he walked to me, and kissed me, i wanted to throw up, but was to afraid that something inside me would kill me, so i just let him. your going away for a bit Lelo, you gotta go to cali. meet up with some peoples, and you might want to take a laxative when you land. you know? so your stomach can empty out. he started walking out and i just sat there. oh by the way sweetie, you leave tomorrow. and he was gone. i had 10 hours...8 of which i slept and 2 to explain to my mother i would be gone...which one do i do first?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Leah part 5
it was about 2 in the morning when i heard a scratching noise on my window, hmm right on time, i opened it and there he was. hi pretty girl, wassup? i noticed the bag in his hands and quickly snatched it from him. babe? i cant even get a hi? i looked at him and threw my arms around him hi sweetie, its means alot to me that your here. in a way it did, i figured if im going to die fuck it, atleast i'll have fun going down. ok so how do you do this? he took the bag away from me and sat on the bed. well first, are you sure you wanna do this? i sat next to him and just nodded my head. ok Lelo, you first have to cut it until its powder...after that you take this..he handed me a roll up paper...and sniff...he ended up going first. alright thats easy, give it, let me try. i took my first snort, and it hurt like hell. i didnt feel anything until maybe 5 to 10 mins into the process. i feel numb? it feels soooooo good david. he grabbed my waist and kissed me. look i'll leave a stash in drawer for whenever you need a fix alright? its free, but you just gotta do me this one favor. i was in a dazed, i agreed with everything he said. ok come by my house tomorrow, i need you to deliver something for me in the next 2 days. but i gotta go, i hear your mom. with that he left, i just laid out, i just wanted to get my mind of things and this helped. my mom walked in the room and i pretended i was sleeping, she didnt know a damn thing. Lelo? you sleeping hun? I moved around my bed as if she was disturbing me. sorry hunny, good night baby girl, i love you. she closed the door behind her and i went to the drawer to get another fix. psh im not gonna be an addict, just gonna use it everytime i feel down, i'll be good. snorted one more line, and just laid out...
next day
i knocked on his and door and one of his friends opened it, hey Lele david is in his room, come in. Closed the door behind me, micheal how many times do i have to tell you, do not call me lele its leah or lelo pick one. I sat down thinking david was going to come and greet me. excuuuuuuuuuuuse me diva, didnt mean to give you the wrong nickname, and david said to go to his room. Off i went to his room, thinking ok he wants me to sell a bag of weed or something, i've done it once or twice but nothing drastic just left it in a mail box or something. hey baby....oh...sorry...i saw a girl in there and she was taping stuff to her body. i looked a bit closer and realize what she was taping. its ok hun, david is in the bathroom, your leah right? finally, i've been dying to meet davids other girlfriend...did she say what i think she just said? i stormed into the bathroom who the hell is that in the room and what the hell did she mean im your OTHER girlfriend? he was standing by the sink, stuffing little balloons with pills, came towards me and closed the door behind me. hi baby, sit down. he continued stuffing. no, who the hell is she? and what did she mean by that. the bad filling in my stomach came back but not because of my disease but because he looked different. SLAP a heat came across my face and i fell to the floor. now look what you made me do...baby, did you honestly think you were the only one? haha you did didnt you? i tried to get up and leave, but he held me by my throat and pushed me up against the wall. cough let me....gasp...go. he held a tighter grasp and then let go. now heres what you gonna do for me lelo, he walked and locked the door, then went back to the sink. your going to lie to your mother, you are going to take that treatment, but your going to have to leave the city. you are also going to tell her your going alone because you dont want her to pay. i started to shift towards the doors, thinking to myself i have to leave now. tsk tsk your not leaving until half of these are swallowed...
next day
i knocked on his and door and one of his friends opened it, hey Lele david is in his room, come in. Closed the door behind me, micheal how many times do i have to tell you, do not call me lele its leah or lelo pick one. I sat down thinking david was going to come and greet me. excuuuuuuuuuuuse me diva, didnt mean to give you the wrong nickname, and david said to go to his room. Off i went to his room, thinking ok he wants me to sell a bag of weed or something, i've done it once or twice but nothing drastic just left it in a mail box or something. hey baby....oh...sorry...i saw a girl in there and she was taping stuff to her body. i looked a bit closer and realize what she was taping. its ok hun, david is in the bathroom, your leah right? finally, i've been dying to meet davids other girlfriend...did she say what i think she just said? i stormed into the bathroom who the hell is that in the room and what the hell did she mean im your OTHER girlfriend? he was standing by the sink, stuffing little balloons with pills, came towards me and closed the door behind me. hi baby, sit down. he continued stuffing. no, who the hell is she? and what did she mean by that. the bad filling in my stomach came back but not because of my disease but because he looked different. SLAP a heat came across my face and i fell to the floor. now look what you made me do...baby, did you honestly think you were the only one? haha you did didnt you? i tried to get up and leave, but he held me by my throat and pushed me up against the wall. cough let me....gasp...go. he held a tighter grasp and then let go. now heres what you gonna do for me lelo, he walked and locked the door, then went back to the sink. your going to lie to your mother, you are going to take that treatment, but your going to have to leave the city. you are also going to tell her your going alone because you dont want her to pay. i started to shift towards the doors, thinking to myself i have to leave now. tsk tsk your not leaving until half of these are swallowed...
Friday, August 14, 2009
Leah Part 4
1 month later
Finding out i have cancer hasnt fully sunk in, there are times where i look at myself in the mirror and just stare. i dont cry anymore, i have to be strong for my mother, and i dont have the strength to even try. so far i've been living each day like nothing happened, and no one knows about my situation. i attend school on a regular basis, finished up my finals, and even met a guy.
i was walking to school, and it was getting hot, so i decided to stop and srop my bag on the floor to put my hair up. i looked up and looked back down and realize my bag was gone, i started getting nervous because of my phone. excuse me miss, you shouldnt leave your bag on the floor like that, beautiful girls tend to be a victim of robbery. i looked up and saw him, he had my bag in his hand and i just wanted to punch him in the face. i only did it so i could talk to you, you are really pretty, im david by the way, can i get your name? i just stared at the guy like he was crazy, but i thought, why not i might end up dead. hi, im Leah and next time you want to talk to a girl, just tap her shoulder, cause by taking my bag and then revealing your self i could have easily slapped and or kill you. ended that sentence with a sarcastic smile, snatch back my bag and kept walking. now i must say this guy was persistant and somehow with me walking and him talking we exchanged numbers.
2 months later
Finding out i have cancer hasnt fully sunk in, there are times where i look at myself in the mirror and just stare. i dont cry anymore, i have to be strong for my mother, and i dont have the strength to even try. so far i've been living each day like nothing happened, and no one knows about my situation. i attend school on a regular basis, finished up my finals, and even met a guy.
i was walking to school, and it was getting hot, so i decided to stop and srop my bag on the floor to put my hair up. i looked up and looked back down and realize my bag was gone, i started getting nervous because of my phone. excuse me miss, you shouldnt leave your bag on the floor like that, beautiful girls tend to be a victim of robbery. i looked up and saw him, he had my bag in his hand and i just wanted to punch him in the face. i only did it so i could talk to you, you are really pretty, im david by the way, can i get your name? i just stared at the guy like he was crazy, but i thought, why not i might end up dead. hi, im Leah and next time you want to talk to a girl, just tap her shoulder, cause by taking my bag and then revealing your self i could have easily slapped and or kill you. ended that sentence with a sarcastic smile, snatch back my bag and kept walking. now i must say this guy was persistant and somehow with me walking and him talking we exchanged numbers.
2 months later
he deals with drugs, he sells, them and use them. how could i have missed that? how could i be so blind to not realize my own boyfriend is a drug dealer? but im still with him...why? it doesnt effect our relationship, thats his buisness not mine, and he doesnt involve me in it. besides that everything is going fine, i feel healthy, and i just feel loved. my mom is there for me 24/7 but it doesnt annoy me, and my friends have been supportive through out everything. david, though with his bad side he has been amazing, and i couldnt have it any way.
next day
Me being happy is not meant for me..i woke up this morning bleeding, again. was rushed to the hospital, and the doctor said my cancer is getting worst. if i dont take treatment i would even live pass the summer. how do you point blank say that to a 13 year old girl? what is your problem? i cant die i just cant, im not going to, i dont want no damn treatment, im going to fight this my way. my mom started crying and was trying to calm me down. no this is bullshit, i was fine and healthy for the past 3 months and i'll be damned of i wont be healthy for the next years of my life...if i die you can be sure i wont die now. with that i told everyone to get out. i picked up my phone...baby, yea im fine...no im okay, you still doing what you doing?...ok good...no...yea...i'm in.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Leah Part 3
beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep
Where am i? whats going on? waking up to a unpleasant hospital moniter is not something a person wants to go through. i woke up to a white wall room, with no one around me. i saw tubes, and flowers. i freaked. MOOOM!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE...SOMEONE PLEASE...MOM.. the nurse came and injected me, pain killers, started to numb, and feel good. my eyes started to close...i fell asleep.
4 hours later
honesy, wake up, its mommy, come on sweetie, wake up. my eyes started to open and i saw my mom, she looked as if she was crying. cough cough, mom, what happened? she looked at me for about 5 minutes. she kept opening and closing her mouth. babygirl, you...sigh...you have cervical cancer and the tears burst out, not only from her eyes but from mine. i cant, im only 13, mom, dont joke...i cant have c.c.cancer. my mind kept going back and forth, i just entered highschool, i had friends, i'm 13 goddamn it and i have cancer.
The day i found out of my disease, i just looked at my mother, i could fight this and live, but i know she will think the worst. i looked up some infomation on cervical cancer, its the 5th most common deadliest cancer in woman. world wide 253,500 death per year, 473,000 estimated. nearly half of them died, which half am i going to be?
Where am i? whats going on? waking up to a unpleasant hospital moniter is not something a person wants to go through. i woke up to a white wall room, with no one around me. i saw tubes, and flowers. i freaked. MOOOM!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE...SOMEONE PLEASE...MOM.. the nurse came and injected me, pain killers, started to numb, and feel good. my eyes started to close...i fell asleep.
4 hours later
honesy, wake up, its mommy, come on sweetie, wake up. my eyes started to open and i saw my mom, she looked as if she was crying. cough cough, mom, what happened? she looked at me for about 5 minutes. she kept opening and closing her mouth. babygirl, you...sigh...you have cervical cancer and the tears burst out, not only from her eyes but from mine. i cant, im only 13, mom, dont joke...i cant have c.c.cancer. my mind kept going back and forth, i just entered highschool, i had friends, i'm 13 goddamn it and i have cancer.
The day i found out of my disease, i just looked at my mother, i could fight this and live, but i know she will think the worst. i looked up some infomation on cervical cancer, its the 5th most common deadliest cancer in woman. world wide 253,500 death per year, 473,000 estimated. nearly half of them died, which half am i going to be?
Leah part 2
It was a normal day, i woke up and saw the sun light through my windows. I got up as usual, went to the bathroom and showered. I came out and there she was, looking back at me, my own reflection, sigh well this is as good as i'll ever get. i walked into my room and continue to get dress, today i had a final and even though i studied like a maniac the entire week, i felt unprepared. I had a gut feeling that something bad was going to happen, but with my mentality i just passed it off as butterflies. Mom, i'm leaving, dont know how long it'll be so call me if you need anything. the relationship i have with my mom is more of a friendship which i enjoy because i have more freedom, she trusts me and she has no reason not to. i am an A student, i am never late, always do what i'm told, basically the "perfect" child. Alright babe, becareful, love you. Off i went, walking my usual way to school, and i finally reached it the block where i got off the bus. All of a sudden a pain in my stomach stopped me in my track. Nothing hit me, but i felt something so strong, like i was getting stabbed, and i just sat down. i felt something warm, i looked down and realized blood dripping down my legs, but not menstrual blood, blood like something is wrong with me blood, i closed my eyes and blacked out.
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