tension

family
A word everyone knows yet some dont have
i left new york because of the hate
now it seemed to have followed me
i was finally feeling happy
.....finally
then she came
and nothing is ever perfect in her eyes
nothing is ever right in her eyes
yes i made my mistakes
and yes so have other people
but dammit...i was happy
i understand the tension between us and her
she isnt blood...but she gave birth to someone who is
we are not children
we shouldnt act like this
but no...since you dislike her so must i
since everyone else cant stand her so must i
i admit sometimes i do
but at times i dont
and you all are two faced with smiles on one side
and knives ready to backstab on the other
i am sick and tired of being the piece maker
i am sick and tired of crying
i am sick and god dammit fucking tired of this bullshit
i left new york to be happy...but i guess that will never happen

this is not a poem....just need to vent for a bit... you can read if you life

i dont know where to start, its just lately i feel unwanted. my cousin came down to visit my niece and now it seems like the entire world revolves around her. my own mother said "she loves me more then you do" now how the hell do you say that to your own daughter. so i simply replied "should've adopted her and let me go"
hmm funny huh?
now i dont know how to drive, but i am willing to learn. i mean i am 19 and should get my license. well my cousin has hers and my brother is treating her like she is a goddess. she is more affectionate to her then he is with me...like thats his sister and i'm not

am i feeling envious?? this is not me at all. i mean i look in green, but this is something i am not used to. i'm not jealous of my cousin, no need to be, we are all good at our own things. but its like once she came, i'm pushed to the side and no longer in need of service...

it hurts to know how easily i can be replaced...sigh

sigh

I laid floating on the water
rocking back and forth
tranquility took over me
spiritually felt free
but slowly i awaken
soon to feel reality
and live in insanity
my heart wants to move on
but mind wants to let go
but i keep coming back
and its putting my life on hold
i want to stay here
i just want to let....the water...float...under
i just want to let....the water...splash on me
i just want....i just...i want
to live happy

ugh

i just want to fucking scream
i just want to fucking cry
so many emotions inside one body
this isnt healthy...
drama is a life learn lesson
u can either runaway from it
live with it
pretend it doesnt exist
but its there...
eventually it will eat you alive
that armor breaks
bringing you down with it
i never been the social person
i never be the outspoken one
but i changed
now i deal with the consequences
more fucking drama
more fucking bottled up emotions
strong? yes i am
weak? never...maybe sometimes
but i will not...lose it
i cant lose it
i wont
so these emotions are silence
this fucking drama will not exist
i will not runaway
it will just be there and effect me
before i scream
before i cry
before i break down and become someone else
i will stop....breath....stop....breath....stop....breath
close my eyes and let it go

sigh

i cried today
its only been a couple of weeks
the tears couldnt be held back anymore
i never was good with goodbyes
i never was good with letting go
but i had to be the stronger person
so i left with my luggage and never looked back
they say its a second chance
finally a time for me to get things right
but this second chance starts to become second guessing
what if i stay and dont look back
will i forget the moments
what if it this doesnt work out right
will i give up or continue fighting
i just been constantly asking myself
question after question
am i strong enough to be alone
and learn to live in reality
i miss it
i miss my city
my friends
my family
and i cried today
because though i wasnt happy
i feel now a piece of me is missing

passions

my passion has change over there years. it started with music, just singing at the top of my lungs to every disney movie (the classics of course). then after my cousins death i really didnt know what to do with my self. somehow writing became a part of my life and singing was left in the past. then seeing my brother go to culnary art school made me want to cook and create new and different flavors. i soon started takign art class in middle school and loved sketching, writing left me, and so did my fascination on becoming a chef. was i trying to find my self in junir high? i did for awhile but entered highschool and lost myself again. writing came back into my life and lyrics, quotes, poetry, stories everything i had came out on paper. i stayed in chorus though, i loved singing, always had and always will, cooking i do every night to feed my family, and i guess drawing has just been there....i mean it comes and go you can say. being a chef is still a dream, but i dont think i actually want to do it anymore, i just wanna cook for fun, and singing, i dont have the best voice out there but i know im good, and writing...it saved my life...i sing what i write, i write what i sing, i write every thought, every moment, every tear, every heart break. writing has now been in my life for almost 10 years. i may not be one of the best writer, i do make the grammatical errors but i love it...i love sharing my emotions, other peoples emotions, to the world. people ask what are my hobbies and i say read, sing, cook and write. four things i cant live without...so my passions really hasnt changed, they just show up at the right time..when i need them

Allow me to Introduce myself

I am nothing but a child in my mothers eyes
a lover in my boyfriends eyes
a mistake in my fathers eyes
a sister in my brothers eyes
an enemy in my sisters eyes
i never had it bad
but i never had it perfect
I am a dreamer
an innovator
i never look before i leap
never second guess my actions
i regret certain things
but i learn the morals behind everything
i've been mentally exhausted
i've been emotionally drained
physically hurt
and drama is my middle name
sometimes my eyes can reveals secrets
but my mouth smirks at the lies i use to hide them
i've changed over the years
and i am damn proud of where i am today
i live life
i fight death
allow me to introduce myself
Hello World