cry

People ask what happened to you, i tell them you moved on and i couldnt be happier.
They ask me if I'm ok, i say yes, and answer we just grew apart.
i act like nothing is wrong
though i want to open my eyes
and actually want to be able to cry
but this is getting hard
i am now pretending that i can live without you
when in reality i am losing myself without you
your memories are breaking my heart
i bite my tounge because i cant fall apart
i just keep everything hidden
until im alone
then i finally let it all out

sigh

I recieved some news today, my mother called me sounding a bit upset, and my stomach dropped. My grandfather from my father side had died. Though i only met him once, he was the only grandfather i knew.i was six years old when i met him, the family had went to Puerto Rico for vacation. We spent i think about 2 days at his house...it was beautiful, it was on a house above the ground. There was a creek in the back yard, and the heat from the air would cover the enitre area.i remember playing cards with him, and when it was time to sleep, i didnt want to go.There was also a black out, and we walked outside in the night and he was telling us stories.Those are the only memories i have of him...and i hate myself for it.My father you can say "tried" keeping in contact with him, but my grandfather kept changing his number. I knew he was sick...i didnt know how sick...I cant blame my father fully, me and father barely speak. i dont blame my grandfather, he was sick. i blame myself for not trying to get in contact with him myself.i didnt get a chance to be a grandaugther, he didnt even get a chance to be a grandfather...our world never got connected...i barely knew him...and my emotions are out of whack.I feel like he died alone...like he felt that i never loved him....13 years ago i had my first and only moments with my grandfather.13 years ago i said i love you13 years ago i gave him a kiss on the cheek13 years ago i hugged him13 years ago i had a grandfather in reachnow hes only a memory...i wish i could go to puertorico...just to actually say goodbye...to acually tell him that he was loved...and that i was sorry for not being there...i am mix with emotions because i lost someone who i barey knew.now i am stuck with an empty feeling in my heart.RIP Abuelito <3

Leah part 6

now your going to sit here, and start swallowing these, when i come back you better be done. i thought i was dreaing, i literally thought it was just a bad dream, and that i would just wake up and be in my bed. i tried to go to the door again. THUMP he had slapped me and i fell to the ground. i touched my face and felt blood, Come on Lelo why are you making me upset, stop it, be a good girl and do what you are told, i mean I'm sure you dont want to see your poor mommy end up with a gun shot wound in her head? do you? my heart sank, was he serious? he could do it if he wanted to, right? did i want to take the chance?
i sat on the toilet and took one of the pellets...i swallowed it.
he came back in and half of the pellets were in my stomach, i just kept praying that they wouldnt burst, because if they did...i'd be dead for sure. i stood quiet, i couldnt look at him. Leah, heres the deal, i love you, but i'm not in love with you, and i understood why you needed that fix, but that fix cost money, and thats something i know you dont have. hmm the way i see it, you owe me, and this is how your going to repay going me baby, dont fuck up, cause if you do, well, you already know what i'm capable of. yes i do, he killed a guy before, but i honesstly thought he wasnt going to kill my own mother. what do i have to do? he walked to me, and kissed me, i wanted to throw up, but was to afraid that something inside me would kill me, so i just let him. your going away for a bit Lelo, you gotta go to cali. meet up with some peoples, and you might want to take a laxative when you land. you know? so your stomach can empty out. he started walking out and i just sat there. oh by the way sweetie, you leave tomorrow. and he was gone. i had 10 hours...8 of which i slept and 2 to explain to my mother i would be gone...which one do i do first?

Leah part 5

it was about 2 in the morning when i heard a scratching noise on my window, hmm right on time, i opened it and there he was. hi pretty girl, wassup? i noticed the bag in his hands and quickly snatched it from him. babe? i cant even get a hi? i looked at him and threw my arms around him hi sweetie, its means alot to me that your here. in a way it did, i figured if im going to die fuck it, atleast i'll have fun going down. ok so how do you do this? he took the bag away from me and sat on the bed. well first, are you sure you wanna do this? i sat next to him and just nodded my head. ok Lelo, you first have to cut it until its powder...after that you take this..he handed me a roll up paper...and sniff...he ended up going first. alright thats easy, give it, let me try. i took my first snort, and it hurt like hell. i didnt feel anything until maybe 5 to 10 mins into the process. i feel numb? it feels soooooo good david. he grabbed my waist and kissed me. look i'll leave a stash in drawer for whenever you need a fix alright? its free, but you just gotta do me this one favor. i was in a dazed, i agreed with everything he said. ok come by my house tomorrow, i need you to deliver something for me in the next 2 days. but i gotta go, i hear your mom. with that he left, i just laid out, i just wanted to get my mind of things and this helped. my mom walked in the room and i pretended i was sleeping, she didnt know a damn thing. Lelo? you sleeping hun? I moved around my bed as if she was disturbing me. sorry hunny, good night baby girl, i love you. she closed the door behind her and i went to the drawer to get another fix. psh im not gonna be an addict, just gonna use it everytime i feel down, i'll be good. snorted one more line, and just laid out...

next day

i knocked on his and door and one of his friends opened it, hey Lele david is in his room, come in. Closed the door behind me, micheal how many times do i have to tell you, do not call me lele its leah or lelo pick one. I sat down thinking david was going to come and greet me. excuuuuuuuuuuuse me diva, didnt mean to give you the wrong nickname, and david said to go to his room. Off i went to his room, thinking ok he wants me to sell a bag of weed or something, i've done it once or twice but nothing drastic just left it in a mail box or something. hey baby....oh...sorry...i saw a girl in there and she was taping stuff to her body. i looked a bit closer and realize what she was taping. its ok hun, david is in the bathroom, your leah right? finally, i've been dying to meet davids other girlfriend...did she say what i think she just said? i stormed into the bathroom who the hell is that in the room and what the hell did she mean im your OTHER girlfriend? he was standing by the sink, stuffing little balloons with pills, came towards me and closed the door behind me. hi baby, sit down. he continued stuffing. no, who the hell is she? and what did she mean by that. the bad filling in my stomach came back but not because of my disease but because he looked different. SLAP a heat came across my face and i fell to the floor. now look what you made me do...baby, did you honestly think you were the only one? haha you did didnt you? i tried to get up and leave, but he held me by my throat and pushed me up against the wall. cough let me....gasp...go. he held a tighter grasp and then let go. now heres what you gonna do for me lelo, he walked and locked the door, then went back to the sink. your going to lie to your mother, you are going to take that treatment, but your going to have to leave the city. you are also going to tell her your going alone because you dont want her to pay. i started to shift towards the doors, thinking to myself i have to leave now. tsk tsk your not leaving until half of these are swallowed...

Leah Part 4

1 month later





Finding out i have cancer hasnt fully sunk in, there are times where i look at myself in the mirror and just stare. i dont cry anymore, i have to be strong for my mother, and i dont have the strength to even try. so far i've been living each day like nothing happened, and no one knows about my situation. i attend school on a regular basis, finished up my finals, and even met a guy.

i was walking to school, and it was getting hot, so i decided to stop and srop my bag on the floor to put my hair up. i looked up and looked back down and realize my bag was gone, i started getting nervous because of my phone. excuse me miss, you shouldnt leave your bag on the floor like that, beautiful girls tend to be a victim of robbery. i looked up and saw him, he had my bag in his hand and i just wanted to punch him in the face. i only did it so i could talk to you, you are really pretty, im david by the way, can i get your name? i just stared at the guy like he was crazy, but i thought, why not i might end up dead. hi, im Leah and next time you want to talk to a girl, just tap her shoulder, cause by taking my bag and then revealing your self i could have easily slapped and or kill you. ended that sentence with a sarcastic smile, snatch back my bag and kept walking. now i must say this guy was persistant and somehow with me walking and him talking we exchanged numbers.

2 months later

he deals with drugs, he sells, them and use them. how could i have missed that? how could i be so blind to not realize my own boyfriend is a drug dealer? but im still with him...why? it doesnt effect our relationship, thats his buisness not mine, and he doesnt involve me in it. besides that everything is going fine, i feel healthy, and i just feel loved. my mom is there for me 24/7 but it doesnt annoy me, and my friends have been supportive through out everything. david, though with his bad side he has been amazing, and i couldnt have it any way.

next day

Me being happy is not meant for me..i woke up this morning bleeding, again. was rushed to the hospital, and the doctor said my cancer is getting worst. if i dont take treatment i would even live pass the summer. how do you point blank say that to a 13 year old girl? what is your problem? i cant die i just cant, im not going to, i dont want no damn treatment, im going to fight this my way. my mom started crying and was trying to calm me down. no this is bullshit, i was fine and healthy for the past 3 months and i'll be damned of i wont be healthy for the next years of my life...if i die you can be sure i wont die now. with that i told everyone to get out. i picked up my phone...baby, yea im fine...no im okay, you still doing what you doing?...ok good...no...yea...i'm in.

Leah Part 3

beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep

Where am i? whats going on? waking up to a unpleasant hospital moniter is not something a person wants to go through. i woke up to a white wall room, with no one around me. i saw tubes, and flowers. i freaked. MOOOM!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE...SOMEONE PLEASE...MOM.. the nurse came and injected me, pain killers, started to numb, and feel good. my eyes started to close...i fell asleep.

4 hours later

honesy, wake up, its mommy, come on sweetie, wake up. my eyes started to open and i saw my mom, she looked as if she was crying. cough cough, mom, what happened? she looked at me for about 5 minutes. she kept opening and closing her mouth. babygirl, you...sigh...you have cervical cancer and the tears burst out, not only from her eyes but from mine. i cant, im only 13, mom, dont joke...i cant have c.c.cancer. my mind kept going back and forth, i just entered highschool, i had friends, i'm 13 goddamn it and i have cancer.

The day i found out of my disease, i just looked at my mother, i could fight this and live, but i know she will think the worst. i looked up some infomation on cervical cancer, its the 5th most common deadliest cancer in woman. world wide 253,500 death per year, 473,000 estimated. nearly half of them died, which half am i going to be?

Leah part 2

It was a normal day, i woke up and saw the sun light through my windows. I got up as usual, went to the bathroom and showered. I came out and there she was, looking back at me, my own reflection, sigh well this is as good as i'll ever get. i walked into my room and continue to get dress, today i had a final and even though i studied like a maniac the entire week, i felt unprepared. I had a gut feeling that something bad was going to happen, but with my mentality i just passed it off as butterflies. Mom, i'm leaving, dont know how long it'll be so call me if you need anything. the relationship i have with my mom is more of a friendship which i enjoy because i have more freedom, she trusts me and she has no reason not to. i am an A student, i am never late, always do what i'm told, basically the "perfect" child. Alright babe, becareful, love you. Off i went, walking my usual way to school, and i finally reached it the block where i got off the bus. All of a sudden a pain in my stomach stopped me in my track. Nothing hit me, but i felt something so strong, like i was getting stabbed, and i just sat down. i felt something warm, i looked down and realized blood dripping down my legs, but not menstrual blood, blood like something is wrong with me blood, i closed my eyes and blacked out.

Leah Intro

Her name was Leah Lopez, her friends called her LeLo. she was average looking, nothing special about her except her eyes. though they were dark brown, it was something about them that would make a person stop and take a second look. They were deep, not physically, but emotionally. Her eyes, she felt was her biggest flaw, because though she was a mystery to everyone around her, she knew they gave off some type of fear. her past was incredibly painful, and she would never trust another man again. its because of her eyes he did the things he did, and she saw the things she saw. Her eyes as deep as they are, as myterious as she may seem, she lived a life that wasnt normal. She never cried through those eyes, it would show weakness and she wasnt weak. She became someone else after her experience, and her eyes no longer had the same deep look. This is the story of a girl whose eyes brought her to him and whose eyes brought her to a life she hated.

Obsessed

he sat and waited...
pictures of her were drawn and placed in frames
letters written in blood to show his affection
he loved her to much that he hated her
she didnt want nothing more then a friendship
he wanted her and everything involving her
obessed with her beauty, and personality
living life to be with her and only her
but his vision of destiny far from hers
nothing will ever happen between them
but he sees it differently
counting the days til he taste her lips
waiting for the moments he can spend with her
losing his insanity along the way
his mind made up of her and love
he becomes like a vampire wanting nothing but her blood
to inhale her neck and to taste her sweet juice
becomes crazed and waits for her....
years gone by and he still waits
he is in love...and its his own love that kills him
tired of waiting...tired of hurting...
gun loaded with silver bullets
release the pain with blood filling his body...
last words "i love you"
the friendship she wanted now gone
with the love he needed...

Where do i Stand?

I never gave you a chance...and it was my fault i admit
but when i did...i dont know if i wasnt clear enough
u like you ...there i said it..but you already knew
now im stuck here thinking...and thinking
i was there when issues came up with your girl
i was there when death threats came your way
i was there....
were you that blind?
are you that stupid?
did you honestly think i wanted to just be a friend?
did you honestly think i stayed up with you on the phone...just to be a friend?
i told you time and again...i am here for you...no matter what...'
but we got to a point where i couldnt do anymore
i was catching feelings quick and let you go
but as easily as i did..you came back...
you said you care...no you dont...
cause you didnt even tell me about your new girl...until just now..
what was this? when was this? who is she? how the hell?
i hate you...i cannot trust you...again...
you care? are you sure? cause you've broken my heart twice...
where do i stand?
you said i'm a good friend but then you feel a connection
where do i stand....cause if i stay in this same place i'm gonna go crazy
im going to lose it..
but if i end up in the friend zone...i dont mind...but i'll hate you..with everything in me
thats it...i'm done

Hate

a word that is so small yet mean so much to people
i remember the days when that word was all i knew about
i hated my sister for choosing her friends over me
i hated my father for never saying i love you
i hated my mother for not letting me grow
i hated my brother for not realizing and opening his eyes
i hated my cousins for being better looking then i was
i hated my school for lack of teachers
i hated him...for breaking my heart
i hated him for forcing me to do things i didnt want to do
i hated him for saying i love you
i hated him for never coming to see me
i hated him for being my bestfriend
i hated him for dying
i hated her because she left and we werent ready
i hated her because she knew how much i needed her
i hated them because they were the reasons why i could never be happy
i hated myself...because i hated everything that made me miserable
i spent my days hating and not realizing that i was wasting my life away
i became everything i hate....miserable, lonely, a girl who felt the world should end
because she wasnt happy, she wasnt the same girl she used to be, she wasnt herself
hate is a small world...but it can destroy a life

tension

family
A word everyone knows yet some dont have
i left new york because of the hate
now it seemed to have followed me
i was finally feeling happy
.....finally
then she came
and nothing is ever perfect in her eyes
nothing is ever right in her eyes
yes i made my mistakes
and yes so have other people
but dammit...i was happy
i understand the tension between us and her
she isnt blood...but she gave birth to someone who is
we are not children
we shouldnt act like this
but no...since you dislike her so must i
since everyone else cant stand her so must i
i admit sometimes i do
but at times i dont
and you all are two faced with smiles on one side
and knives ready to backstab on the other
i am sick and tired of being the piece maker
i am sick and tired of crying
i am sick and god dammit fucking tired of this bullshit
i left new york to be happy...but i guess that will never happen

this is not a poem....just need to vent for a bit... you can read if you life

i dont know where to start, its just lately i feel unwanted. my cousin came down to visit my niece and now it seems like the entire world revolves around her. my own mother said "she loves me more then you do" now how the hell do you say that to your own daughter. so i simply replied "should've adopted her and let me go"
hmm funny huh?
now i dont know how to drive, but i am willing to learn. i mean i am 19 and should get my license. well my cousin has hers and my brother is treating her like she is a goddess. she is more affectionate to her then he is with me...like thats his sister and i'm not

am i feeling envious?? this is not me at all. i mean i look in green, but this is something i am not used to. i'm not jealous of my cousin, no need to be, we are all good at our own things. but its like once she came, i'm pushed to the side and no longer in need of service...

it hurts to know how easily i can be replaced...sigh

sigh

I laid floating on the water
rocking back and forth
tranquility took over me
spiritually felt free
but slowly i awaken
soon to feel reality
and live in insanity
my heart wants to move on
but mind wants to let go
but i keep coming back
and its putting my life on hold
i want to stay here
i just want to let....the water...float...under
i just want to let....the water...splash on me
i just want....i just...i want
to live happy

ugh

i just want to fucking scream
i just want to fucking cry
so many emotions inside one body
this isnt healthy...
drama is a life learn lesson
u can either runaway from it
live with it
pretend it doesnt exist
but its there...
eventually it will eat you alive
that armor breaks
bringing you down with it
i never been the social person
i never be the outspoken one
but i changed
now i deal with the consequences
more fucking drama
more fucking bottled up emotions
strong? yes i am
weak? never...maybe sometimes
but i will not...lose it
i cant lose it
i wont
so these emotions are silence
this fucking drama will not exist
i will not runaway
it will just be there and effect me
before i scream
before i cry
before i break down and become someone else
i will stop....breath....stop....breath....stop....breath
close my eyes and let it go

sigh

i cried today
its only been a couple of weeks
the tears couldnt be held back anymore
i never was good with goodbyes
i never was good with letting go
but i had to be the stronger person
so i left with my luggage and never looked back
they say its a second chance
finally a time for me to get things right
but this second chance starts to become second guessing
what if i stay and dont look back
will i forget the moments
what if it this doesnt work out right
will i give up or continue fighting
i just been constantly asking myself
question after question
am i strong enough to be alone
and learn to live in reality
i miss it
i miss my city
my friends
my family
and i cried today
because though i wasnt happy
i feel now a piece of me is missing

passions

my passion has change over there years. it started with music, just singing at the top of my lungs to every disney movie (the classics of course). then after my cousins death i really didnt know what to do with my self. somehow writing became a part of my life and singing was left in the past. then seeing my brother go to culnary art school made me want to cook and create new and different flavors. i soon started takign art class in middle school and loved sketching, writing left me, and so did my fascination on becoming a chef. was i trying to find my self in junir high? i did for awhile but entered highschool and lost myself again. writing came back into my life and lyrics, quotes, poetry, stories everything i had came out on paper. i stayed in chorus though, i loved singing, always had and always will, cooking i do every night to feed my family, and i guess drawing has just been there....i mean it comes and go you can say. being a chef is still a dream, but i dont think i actually want to do it anymore, i just wanna cook for fun, and singing, i dont have the best voice out there but i know im good, and writing...it saved my life...i sing what i write, i write what i sing, i write every thought, every moment, every tear, every heart break. writing has now been in my life for almost 10 years. i may not be one of the best writer, i do make the grammatical errors but i love it...i love sharing my emotions, other peoples emotions, to the world. people ask what are my hobbies and i say read, sing, cook and write. four things i cant live without...so my passions really hasnt changed, they just show up at the right time..when i need them

Allow me to Introduce myself

I am nothing but a child in my mothers eyes
a lover in my boyfriends eyes
a mistake in my fathers eyes
a sister in my brothers eyes
an enemy in my sisters eyes
i never had it bad
but i never had it perfect
I am a dreamer
an innovator
i never look before i leap
never second guess my actions
i regret certain things
but i learn the morals behind everything
i've been mentally exhausted
i've been emotionally drained
physically hurt
and drama is my middle name
sometimes my eyes can reveals secrets
but my mouth smirks at the lies i use to hide them
i've changed over the years
and i am damn proud of where i am today
i live life
i fight death
allow me to introduce myself
Hello World

Laying in the Dark

Close your eyes and breath
let the moment of darkness take over you
feel your pulse through your body
listen to the silent noise
let your imagination roam
cool side of the pillow
stretching your body
under the covers
somehow its your sanctuary
the dark that puts you to put
slowly fades when morning arrives
and you dont want it to leave
the darkness has become your light
its serenity falls over you
and tranquillity lays with you
its unknown but known
its unwanted but wanted
the darkness comes as bad
but soemtimes feels so good
it has showed you life
and life has showed you dark
lay with me
laying in the dark

Sun Rays Stealing my Soul

I haven't felt this way in awhile
where my soul actually feels some warmth
where my smile no longer hides within
where my eyes no longer bleeds water
where my hands no longer feels alone
where my heart finally appears
its been awhile since i seen this person
she was tied up and stolen from the world
she was to happy for her own good
and so the concrete jungle
with its envious street lights
blinded her and she disappeared
but the past week, she slowly came back
she felt the sun rays
she felt the hot air of this green jungle
and she felt loved
slowly but surely she reappeared
with a smile on her face
her hand holding her nieces hands
her eyes staring onto the lake
her soul filled with passion
and her heart...her heart
no longer feels unwanted